NEWS ITEM: In a current TV ad, Republican presidential candidate John McCain blames his Democratic opponent, Barack Obama, for high gas prices, citing Obama's opposition to expanding domestic drilling for oil. The ad, of course, doesn't mention that until recently, when political points were at stake, McCain also opposed such expansion. The ad also neglects to mention that any expanded drilling wouldn't produce any oil for about a decade and even then, the amount of oil produced would not be enough to affect prices or greatly reduce our dependence on foreign oil.

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VOICE-OVER: Starbucks recently announced it was closing 600 outlets in the United States. Six hundred. That means a lot of baristas will be out of work. That means a lot of them will have to find work while waiting for their bands to get signed or their screenplays to be produced or their novels that combine the relationship gaffes of chick-lit with the hipster beat stylings of Charles Bukowski to be published.

That's a lot of baristas suddenly having to find work that doesn't entail talking in an animated fashion with a co-worker about the films of Charles Bronson while someone is waiting for a double espresso.

The impact on our economy could be devastating.

And think of our children. If these baristas get jobs in day care centers, think of the young minds that will be exposed to lengthy discussions of the meaning of David Lynch's "Inland Empire"

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and the scene in which some actors wearing bunny heads speak in non sequiturs while a laugh track plays.

Who will protect our children?

And who is to blame for this crisis?

Who is to blame for this woefully under-caffeinated nation's lethargy? Who is to blame for making Americans settle for Dunkin' Donuts coffee as a substitute for a double latte grande? Who is to blame for denying Americans their God-given right to a cappuccino?

CROWD (Chanting): O-BAM-A! O-BAM-A! O-BAM-A!

Barack Obama did nothing when Starbucks announced it was closing 600 stores. He and his comrades in the Democratic Congress did nothing to protect the nation from the terror of hundreds of unemployed baristas wandering our streets handing out CDs of their bands or reading their screenplay aloud at the bus stop or writing novels that combine chick-lit with Bukowski.

They did nothing while these crimes against humanity could continue unabated, spreading like a virus across this great nation, destroying the very fiber of America, unleashing a horde of tattooed and pierced baristas upon unsuspecting citizens.

And who's to blame for this?

CROWD (Chanting): O-BAM-A! O-BAM-A! O-BAM-A!

Because he did nothing.

John McCain believes we shouldn't do nothing. He believes maybe someone should do something. He believes you can't hope things will turn out all right and that the barista who's been telling you about his screenplay based on a Japanese comic book featuring a superhero who's a carp will suddenly cease yammering about his work just because he's no longer serving espresso.

Hope won't do it.

Hope is a word that never crosses John McCain's lips, unless he is saying it sarcastically to deride people who think hope is something associated with a certain presidential candidate.

John McCain does that because he's a maverick.

And he's never even heard of someone named George W. Bush.

Never met the man.

Because he's a maverick.

And we're not talking about the craptacular car that Ford made in the 1970s.

We're talking maverick like that guy in that Tom Cruise movie.

That movie was awesome.

And did Barack Obama have anything to do with it?

Nope.

Barack Obama did nothing to produce that Tom Cruise movie.

And who is to blame for Goose getting killed?

CROWD (Chanting): O-BAM-A! O-BAM-A! O-BAM-A!

And who's to blame for you being late for work this morning?

CROWD (Chanting): O-BAM-A! O-BAM-A! O-BAM-A!

Sure, it's easy to blame the old lady in the

Oldsmobile the size of the USS Theodore Roosevelt who was doing a constant 18 mph in front of you.

But is it really her fault?

No.

Barack Obama is to blame.

You could have hoped that the old lady would speed up.

You can't hope that you'll be on time to work.

Barack Obama uses the word hope a lot.

So it's his fault that hoping you'll be on time for work won't make it happen.

Don't hope that someone will do something about baristas being free to do whatever it is they do when they're not making café con leches. Don't hope that Maverick will get the girl at the end of the movie. Don't hope that old lady will, at some point, crack 20 mph.

Vote for the candidate who has no hope.

Vote McCain and not . . .

CROWD (Chanting): O-BAM-A! O-BAM-A! O-BAM-A!

JOHN McCAIN: I'm John McCain and I approve this message.

Mike Argento's column appears Mondays and Fridays in Living and Sundays in Viewpoints. Reach him at mike@ydr.com or 771-2046.