Tying the knot. Taking the plunge. Exchanging vows.

The phrases we use to describe marriage say a bit about how we think of the institution. For some, it's a death sentence -- akin to walking off a diving board into the deep end -- but something you're expected to do. For others, it's a leap of faith.

Some couples feel that marriage binds them together in a good way. Others find the knot strangling.

At its best, marriage provides love, support, friendship, and the means to create a family. But it's not always sunshine and roses.

As we head into prime wedding season (yes, October now rivals June as the most popular month for getting hitched) readers share bits of wisdom they've learned from years of marriage, and sometimes, divorce.

Here's what they wished they knew before they married:

* * *

It is not all about you.

If you choose well, you'll have someone to stand by you in the tough times.

-- Deborah Orr, 55,
York

 

Learn not only to laugh together, but at each other. Be spontaneous like children -- play, tease and laugh!

Learn the medical basics prior to marriage. My husband of 27 years, Hank, taught me CPR on our son Evan when he went into cardiac and respiratory arrest in an asthma attack one night years ago. He taught me well that night, and so by the grace of God, our son has no lasting physical effects of that night.

Learn patience.

Be strong and believe in each other.

Forgive each other. So many mistakes just don't matter. None of us is perfect, and we all do really stupid things at times and shouldn't pass judgment on others. When you forgive, DROP IT, don't throw it back at your spouse during the next fight. Life is just too short. It doesn't cost anything to forgive a person their mistake, and in the long run, it only strengthens the relationship. Admit a mistake, ask for forgiveness, show vulnerability. Then be willing to grow so you don't stumble in that direction again.

-- Tammie Bryner,
Conewago Township

 

My advice to folks ready to get married is to continue to do the little things that mean so much to both of you, such as . . . little notes, e-mails or text messages, surprise dates, flowers, that wink across a crowded room, back scratches (my husband's favorite). Never try to change that person . . . remember, you fell in love with them because of their ways.

-- Tina Motway, 46,
East Manchester Township

 

Somehow I assumed that marriage would be a 50-50 arrangement. To my surprise, I would get a reality of 75-25. I did not understand how many hours would be spent:

Planning meals, shopping and cooking.

Organizing items and keeping them in their place.

Cleaning the commodes.

Being a peacemaker.

Learning to forgive and forget.

Learning not to be too disappointed about not being remembered on birthdays and anniversaries.

Being in charge of all things pertaining to the home.

Recently, after 50 years of marriage, my husband gave me a sign that reads: "We've been through a lot together . . . and most of it was your fault." It was called Marriage 101. Thank God I survived it, with the Lord's help and a patient husband.

-- Carolyn R. Poff,
Red Lion

 

I wish I would have realized sooner in our 30 years of marriage that you cannot assume what the other person is thinking. If your mate does not react the way you want them to, it is probably because they are not thinking about it the same way. I guess it comes down to that big word COMMUNICATE.

Secondly, The more you are married, the more you calm down and just enjoy each other.

-- Lisa Rohrbaugh,
Manchester Township

 

It's the journey itself that makes you strong.

We learned to communicate with each other.

One time, you're the strong one and hold up the other. Other times you are the one who needs to be held up.

We learned that working together got both of us what we wanted or needed.

To get the rainbow you have to have the rainstorm.

After 30 years, we are still in love. We may not be perfect, but when pressured with tough times, we know that together we can survive, and that we can be stronger on the other side.

-- Shonna Nace,
Conewago Township

 

Make sure you like the person you are marrying. It helps to remember why you got together in the first place. Anyone can say "I love you," but my beloved and I believe that it is more important to say, "I like you." We know that we love each other. Sometimes it's nice to remember that we like each other, too.

-- Michelle Morningstar, 28,
York Township

 

What we learned not to do earlier on and stuck to it:

Don't make each other jealous by wandering eyes or too-close relationships at work or play.

Don't make decisions that would cut into family time.

Don't leave your babies with daycare -- work alternate shifts.

Don't criticize in front of others, or even when alone.

Don't use the D word (divorce) in anger.

Make sacrifices together.

Talking over expenditures ahead of time helps set goals together.

Dream short-term dreams, and have long-term dreams in front like a greyhound and a bone.

- Andrew and
Jecklin Stube,
Dover Township

I firmly believe that maintaining one's identity is paramount to having a healthy, happy and productive marriage. I got stuck in the mindset that I had to be the perfect wife, mother, housekeeper, cook and organizer, and in so doing, I completely ignored my journey.

People grow, and in order for longevity in a union, this must be accepted and allowed by both parties. It is only the well-rounded and happy individual who can bring a healthy perspective to a marriage.

For me, my marriage and divorce provided immense education, which I clung to with every fiber of my being.

I do not regret a singe moment.

Now I know I have to like myself, accept my flaws, embrace my assets, never be afraid of constructive criticism and never, ever expect someone else to change.

I always think to myself when meeting new people, "Hmmm, can I accept this person as-is 24/7?"

- Julie Kell, 44,
Windsor Township

The surprise for us has been that there are more surprises that keep coming as years go by. You think you know your wife so well, and then she produces a thought that makes you realize that there is still a lot to learn about her. That's one of the most surprising and wonderful things about marriage - how it evolves over time.

- Peg Welch, 56,
York

We often heard it said that marriage is a 50-50 situation. We found that statement not to be entirely true. As we faced the various struggles of paying bills, raising a family, facing unemployment, obtaining new jobs, buying a house, and all of the other day-to-day situations one faces as a married couple, it is the teamwork which is the most rewarding.

One spouse may be faced with completing more of the expectations due to experiences, health, etc. than the other. However, one should not keep score of what they have done. "Couple" does not have an "I" in the word.

We have found that each of us complement the other, and we have allowed for that understanding of marriage. We have been happily married for 27-plus years now and look forward to many more. Marriage is the best thing that has happened to us, and we are thankful we have each other in our lives.

- Dale and Doreen Malott Jr.,
Yorkana

"A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the SAME person"

- Toni Ilko, 57,
Hamilton Township,
Adams County

I wish I would have known how great marriage was going to be. I would say that I would have gotten married sooner, but I was 18 at the time and my husband was 19. We were high school sweethearts and we still are.

- Pamela McGinnis, 55,
Red Lion

771-2034; jvogelsong@ydr.com.

ABOUT THIS SERIES

Numerous how-to books, articles and TV specials have been made about important life events such as marriage, college, retirement and childbirth. We think it would be more interesting to find out what people wish they had known before reaching these milestones.

We're asking readers to think about what no one told them about 12 significant life events -- one for each month of 2008 -- to help others prepare for the future.

So far, we've wished we were told more about:

---  Dieting

--- Breakups

--- ;Buying a house

--- ;Office life

--- ;Childbirth

--- ;Being a father

--- ;Being a pet owner

UP NEXT

We'd like anyone who has been to school to tell us what they wish someone told them before they entered the classroom.

That school lunchrooms are a scary place? That your college roommate might not become your best friend? That all-nighters were a possibility if you procrastinated too long?

Whether it was a great lesson you learned or a failure that you'd rather forget, we'd like to know about it.

Submissions can be sent to nlefever@ydr.com or the York Daily Record/Sunday News, c/o Nicki Lefever, 1891 Loucks Road, York PA 17408. Deadline is Sept. 30.

QUOTABLE

--- "For two people in a marriage to live together day after day is unquestionably the one miracle the Vatican has overlooked."

-- Bill Cosby

--- "Getting divorced just because you don't love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do."

-- Zsa Zsa Gabor

--- "Marriage is the chief cause of divorce."

-- Groucho Marx

--- "Don't smother each other. No one can grow in shade."

-- Leo Buscaglia

--- "Marriage: that I call the will of two to create the one who is more than those who created it."

-- Friedrich Nietzsche

Sources: notable-quotes.com, www.quotegarden.com