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"What will be different about this Christmas?" Sara Winegar recently asked during a program about grief and the holidays at Hanover Community Health and Education Center.
Participants - who lost loved ones recently and not so recently - said the season won't be as joyful.
Winegar, a licensed psychologist with Adams-Hanover Counseling Services Inc., said family gatherings and holiday traditions can evoke unexpected emotions. The first holiday spent without a loved one can be especially hard.
"It can sneak up on people," she said.
Winegar reminded the group that after a loss, there is no way to return to normal.
"There is a new normal," she said. "You do the same activities and have the same routine, but the feelings are very different."
People think they should be able to feel happy at the holidays, and they might feel guilty for being sad and angry.
"This is a time to go easy on yourself," she said.
The holiday season doesn't leave a lot of time and space for grief, Winegar said. People sometimes try to stay busy instead of facing their feelings.
"People get caught up in taking care of everyone else and forget to take care of themselves," Winegar said.
If people ignore their emotions, they could come through in other ways. Some become easily irritated, and others seek solace in holiday food and alcohol. Still, others experience a change in sleep habits. Holiday stress only complicates the situation.
If uncharacteristic behaviors occur, Winegar suggested slowing down and thinking about what's really wrong.
"It's OK to want to take some alone time," she said. "It's also important to seek support."
Winegar asked the group to think about people they're comfortable sharing their grief with. Certain people might be better to cry with, and others might be better to share funny memories with.
"There isn't a magic pill to take away the pain," Winegar said.
Instead, she told the group to make a list of their personal medicine - things that make them feel better. Writing, exercising and trying new hobbies all made the list.
While Winegar focused on the social, emotional and physical aspects of grief, Dr. Ted Trout-Landen helps people with the spiritual side of grief.
The Director of Pastoral Care and Education for WellSpan said that it is difficult to understand and value grief at the holidays, which is when it is magnified the most.
Trout-Landen identifies ways to gain spiritual value out of the different stages of grief, which include denial, bargaining, depression and acceptance.
Anger toward God, loved ones and oneself can also be experienced after a loss.
"We are taught that anger is a bad thing, but that is not always true," Trout-Landen said.
People don't think about using their angry energy for good.
"We try to think about how (anger) can be redirected in positive and creative ways," he said. He suggested keeping a journal, praying and participating in group discussion as healthy outlets to release emotions. Even after the acceptance phase of the grief process, the sad feelings aren't gone forever.
"There is no rule that you have to be better in six months or a year," he said
MORE STORIES
Name: Edith LoBianco
Age: 73
Lives in: Dallastown
I am a (Certified Nurse Assistant) and have been with many people when they passed. I held their hands, comforted them and read verses from the Bible to them when I worked in nursing homes and private homes.
This gave me the strength to cope with family members who passed and of friends and also my Shih Tzu pup, Wiggie.
It also helps knowing that they're in heaven and at peace and that they are with me everywhere I go.
Name: Sharon Walker
Age: 39
Lives in: York
Losing someone you love can be extremely difficult, but losing someone you love on Christmas Day is even more difficult. I lost my boyfriend of eight years on Christmas Day 2004, and my advice to others is celebrate the holidays even though it is difficult. Reflect back on the things that made your holidays so enjoyable with your loved one. Continue traditions that were special to your loved ones, as they were the things that brought joy into your life.
Our first instinct is to tuck ourselves away and not celebrate. But remember that leads to depression and unhappiness. The truth of the matter is when I reflect back, I smile to myself, laugh and remember how wonderful those times were, and it makes me want to rebuild my life and build some new memories of joy and happiness that I once experienced. I surround myself with family and friends and reminiscence about the old days, but continue to add new things and give thanks for these days. The time that I was able to spend with my loved one before he passed away will always be an important part of my life, so I never try to erase it, but continue to add to it.
Name: Barbara Murphy
Lives in: York Township
We woke up five days after Christmas to find out my baby daughter had passed away in her cradle sometime during the early morning hours. She was still warm, and I tried simultaneously giving her mouth-to-mouth while dialing 911. There was nothing that was going to bring her back. I left the hospital with no baby in my arms, and my head was completely devoid of any thoughts as the fog just swirled around in my brain. There was no way to comprehend that my daughter was no longer with me. We had to hurry the funeral arrangements up because funerals are not done on New Year's Day.
Here's what no one told me, because outliving your children is just so very much beyond any normal timeline. But here's what I have to tell you if someone you know or love is ever in this position. Please, please feel free to talk about the child. Say his or her name. Validate that he or she was alive and was very important. Maybe the best way to do this is to wait for the person who is mourning to take the lead. But don't be afraid to mention the child who has passed.
Please call after the funeral and all the proprieties are over, even if it's just a voice message saying you're there for them. That's when it is the loneliest. Don't ask what you can do. Just do it.
Name: Patti Kniss
Age: 49
Lives in: Dover
My father died Feb. 27, 2008. He lived in Potter County and died suddenly of a heart attack at 69 years old.
He was a kind man with a great big smile for everyone. There were four of us girls in the family and, of course, my mom.
This will be our first holiday season without him.
He carved the turkey and had prayer. He was the one who handed out the Christmas presents. He'd sit and watch your face light, especially the younger ones.
You never think about what it will be like without him. Then, the holidays come along, and nobody tells you how painful it is and how much your heart aches. But I am sure from his heavenly view, he will be smiling and laughing as we try to celebrate without him.
emccracken@ydr.com; 771-2051
LOCAL SUPPORT GROUPS
What: Coping With Grief and the Holidays
When: 2 p.m. Dec. 17
Where: The Brunswick at Longstown, 2830 Carol Road in York
Cost: Free
For details: Reservations are required by Dec. 16. Call 755-7600.
What: Beginning Again (for separated, divorced or grief-stricken persons)
When: 7 p.m., Monday
Where: Asbury United Methodist Church, 340 E. Market St., York
For details: 843-0733
What: AseraCare Hospice Grief Support Group
When: 6:30 p.m. Mondays
Where: Calvary Assembly of God Church, 95 Pumping Station Road, Hanover
For details: Contact Sheri Luers at 359-4497 or church at 637-9706.
What:GriefShare
When: 7 p.m. Wednesdays
Where: Stillmeadow Church of the Nazarene, 400 Stillmeadow Lane, Manchester Township
For details: 764-4888
What:Loved Ones of Homicide Support Group
When: 7 p.m. fourth Wednesday of the month
For details: For meeting location or details, call Victim Assistance Center at 854-3131.
What: Loved Ones of a Suicide Support Group
When: 6 p.m. first Friday of each month.
For details: Call Victim Assistance Center for meeting location or details at 854-3131.
What: THEOS Widows & Widowers Support Group
When: 7 p.m. third Monday of the month
Where: Bethany United Methodist Church, 1401 Mount Rose Ave., York
For details: 846-0180
TALK ABOUT IT
Share how you deal with grief at the holidays at here.
